I was the girl that never knew for sure if she wanted to be a mom. When my husband Sam and I decided that life looked a bit lonely without kids 20 years down the road, I was still unsure, but took a leap a faith. Although I still wound up feeling 16 and pregnant when I saw the positive test! Yes, in full transparency, I was a hot flippin’ mess. What a ride it as been from there.
I spent my entire pregnancy riddled with anxiety. What if I didn’t connect with the baby? What if I didn’t love the baby? What if the baby didn’t love me? What if I couldn’t lose the baby weight? What if my body looked pregnant forever? What if I was a bad mom? I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO BE A MOM! What if it’s a boy? OMG -- it’s a boy! I thought I could only have a girl! Breast feed? Don’t breast feed? In-home daycare? Facility daycare? Co-sleep or sleep training? This list can literally go ON and ON and ON and ON.
I can honestly tell you that the moment when Beckham was placed on my chest, I physically felt my entire world shift on its axis in the best way possible. Everything changed. In that moment, I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I was made to be his mommy.
I spent 12 blissful weeks off with Beckham after delivery. My maternity leave was a dream. I had never felt more loved or more important in my life. I felt like I was FINALLY doing something that mattered and had real purpose to it.
But I also felt my sense of self somewhat slipping through my fingers like sand. Who was I outside of being Beckham’s mom? Honestly, I wasn’t sure any more. But moreover, I was exhausted. SO. DAMN. EXHAUSTED. I couldn't figure it out, and I couldn’t blame my child who was sleeping 8 hours through the night by the time I returned to work!
As the months wore on I only grew more tired. I will never forget the early days of Beckham being mobile where he was literally running circles around me while I lay half asleep/half awake on the floor in the middle of the day. It was like having an out of body experience, the twilight zone in the worst sense of the term, and that’s when I knew something was off.
I felt each day slipping away from me as I spiraled further and further away from the mom I desired be. Everyone tells you that the days are long and the years are short, and I knew for sure I didn’t want to miss them. I knew that if I didn’t get a grip on my energy crisis FAST it was going to hold me hostage. It was going to keep me from experiencing these fleeting moments that we are all told to cling to and it scared the daylights out of me. I wanted to show-up for Beckham as the very bet version of myself, not just be physically present.
I needed help. I needed guidance. I needed accountability. And I needed it NOW. “They are only little once”, they say and I was starting to miss those moments as I clung on to what shreds of energy I could muster up with a coffee mug in one hand and one eye closed.
Food is fuel, I knew this so that is where I began. I finally decided to get serious about my eating, and take a good hard look at my workouts. This is where my energy transformation began. I was fueling my body with junk, and not eating enough! My workouts were also far too long. HELLO adrenal fatigue!
After tons of research I started by getting serious about what I was putting in my body for fuel, and being strategic with my workouts. I went from surviving to thriving in my new role as a mom. It took time. A good couple months of hardwork and dedication, but it was SO worth it.
Now, let’s be honest….there are still really though days, but now I can keep up with Beckham in the way I’ve always imagined I would. I can cling tightly to these fleeting memories instead of being curled up on the floor praying that he doesn’t pee on the dog or set the house on fire. We’ve all been there but we don’t have to LIVE there.
As he grows up and gets bigger, my next goal is to continue to build my strength so I can lift him up and carry him around for as long as he will tolerate it!
Going through this process is one of the experiences that lead me to create my 6 week fat loss program, The Empowered Method. I teach moms to fuel themselves properly and equip them with fast fitness to achieve fat loss and have soaring sustained energy. Motherhood should not feel like merely surviving, it should feel like you are thriving with lots of bumps along the way.